If I have money (hehehehe)

There'll be signs!!!

The title says it all: today's substack is about to get crazy! Buckle up, my lovelies, it's going to be a wild ride.

If I have money, there will be signs!

I repeat, if I have money, there will be signs!!!!

While the rest of the world was making the usual New year's noise about gym memberships that their screaming bones would have them ditching in three weeks, Ama🤍 created a WhatsApp group, “BECOMING HER 2025” for like-minded people who wanted to actually achieve goals and hold each other accountable. I remember seeing the group link, and laughing really hard at the name, but I clicked ‘join’ anyway because, let's be real, who doesn't want to become HER.

It wasn't until I saw everyone sharing their 2025 goals that I realised we weren't on the same page at all, we weren't like-minded at alllll. While my goal was simply “stay alive and try to gain some weight”, others were dropping things like, “maximize my business” and “make my first million”.

A million?? Ah!! If I saved absolutely everything from January to December, I still wouldn't hit a million. As for my current savings… nervous laugh… that's probably best left unsaid. That's a story for another time… and a therapist.

But, I digress…

In one of our recent session, we were to tell a story, the defining story that helped us change our perspective and shaped the person that we are today. People shared their stories, one person's tale of pre-20 millionaire status, and others. I didn't have a story. I, lacking, remained silent and let my bosses speak.

Then yesterday, I realised that I do have a story. Not a story on how I'll make my first million, oh no, it's a story on how I'll spend my (future) millions!!!

I just know that when I finally make that money, there will be no need for me to shout or talk too much, because there will be signssssss. Signs ooo, signs that my village people will bow for.

The signs…

1. Motion sensor everything: I remember the first time I saw motion sensor lights, you know the kind you clap to activate, in this k-drama featuring Lee Min ho ( can't really remember the name of the drama now). Guys, I was in aweeeee. I remember rewinding over and over again, just to giggle and throw my feet in the air like a mumu at how effortless that is. It was a wonderful night, that night. So, yes, I'll have motion sensor everything, not just lights, but doors, drawers, trash cans and even my pet's water bowl (Anissa will enjoyyyy).

2. Art that is worth more than my house: I'm talking, the Monalisa in my house!!! My house will be a f-king museum.

3. Personal chef: I remember the whole fandom going crazy about that part in When Love Visits, where Obatade Maxwell called a top rated Korean chef for their first date. That chef will be cooking for me in my house, literally at my beck and call.

4. I want it, I get it : I'm going to be swiping my black card through everything without looking at the total. Yes, I'm the Ariana Grande!

5. I'll speak another language, just for fun: Imagine walking into a French cafe, and ordering in broken, but charming french and you throw in a bit of Spanish, and you just giggle, "oh, my apologies, I forgot myself", not because you need to but because you can.

1. I'll send text messages written by a calligrapher : My texts wouldn't be just words, my texts would be a piece of art. Or better still, I'll have it sent by a pigeon.

2. All my words of affirmation will stop: If any of my friends come to me for money, my brain wouldn't have to navigate the awkward dance of explaining that I'm broke. I'll just shoot a reply, "sent". Do you feel that? The ease, the confidence, the art of not thinking. Very demure, very mindful, very chic.

3. Abayas and scarves: I'll be swimming in jersey!! From jersey scarves to chiffon, all varieties in my closet. Abayas of different colours, they'll think I'm married to an Arab prince.

4. Change will begin with me: You know when politicians come with their manifestos and promise heaven and earth and at the end of the day, when they get elected, they don't keep their promises. I wouldn't be like that. I would be an inventor. Things will start with me. I'll be CHANGE!

I know you all are probably wondering whether I have millions somewhere, or I'm waiting for a certain age to lock in that trust fund. The truth is, I don't have any money, and I probably need a gofundme. My daddy is literally financing my whole life. I still ask my daddy for data (sometimes 👀). But the thing is, I have a vision and that's all that matters. Call me Joseph, the dreamer. I don't care. ✋

As Hauwa Lawal wrote in one of her newsletter, “I'm not humble at all, and everyone will find out the moment my hand touches bastard money.” I'll take that bobrisky’s sound as my daily mantra, “I'm not in any level close to any of you bitches"

Your anonymous bestie

Ree🤍

Random: There's nothing bad in being a millionaire and a billionaire’s wife. Just saying 🌚