It's not you
It's me!
Whenever I hear this classic phrase in movies, where the guy tells the girl, βit's not you, it's meβ, it always comes off as a convenient lie, and he really sees the girl as the problem, because why else would he just summarise the end of a five-plus year relationship with a hollow, single phrase. (I call bull, because it doesn't seem fitting.)
This phrase is supposed to convey that the problem in the relationship (romantic or otherwise) is not due to the other person's actions or qualities, but rather to the speakerβs own issues. The speaker implies that the other person is good or worthy, but that for personal reasons the relationship just isn't working.
And I thought this phrase to be clichΓ© , because it's been overused that it's somehow lost it's sincerity, even in cases where the guy actually means good in the movies. In other cases, I saw it as vague because it seemed like a very good way to avoid responsibility and evade guilt.
Well, not until I started saying it too.
(Yes, guilty! Cuff me.).
There was this guy I was talking to, and he would do things like send me scholarship links. I'd just throw in a thank you and he would ask me if he was doing too much and I'll answer, βit's not you, it's me!β, and he would ask me to explain to him like a 5 year old, what I meant by that .
The thing is, I couldn't. I couldn't even explain it to myself. Logically, his actions were sweet and kind, but for me, it just didn't click, and I guess that's fine. Maybe I could have explained better when he sensed my discomfort, but I felt like my explanation would make him question his intentions. I didn't want him to think doing nice things was wrong, when the problem was with me.
So, I fell back on the familiar, and frankly unhelpful, phrase, βit's not you, it's me.β
Next time, maybe don't overthink it. Maybe they are truly the problem and it's not you. Maybe he or she is a psychopath in disguise and is giving you a chance to run, a get-out-of-jail- for-free card. I say you take it and run!
Your anonymous bestie
Reeπ€
Iβm glad someone finally spoke up about this.
The phrase βItβs not you, itβs meβ has become overused and oversaturated, turning into a lazy way to end relationships.
Instead of offering a genuine explanation, it avoids addressing the real issues and denies the other person the opportunity to understand their mistakes.
If the problem lies with their behavior, tell them directly. Be honest and straightforward.
Let them know if their actions made you feel uncomfortable or if youβve simply fallen out of love. This way, they can reflect, adjust (if they want), or at least have closure.
Saying βItβs not you, itβs meβ is just an excuse to dodge accountability or confrontation. Enough already! Stop using this tired, generic phrase to mask your feelings or to avoid telling the truth.
Letβs do better. And thatβs on periodt, Thank you.
Looll I agree, I think it's an easy way to avoid confrontation and avoid accountability. I've definitely been broken up with (friendships) in this way and those people just didn't want to own up to their own bad behaviours.