What's your conflict language?

Not love, conflict.

So, I stumbled across this video on Instagram - you know, one of those videos that make you go, “huh, never thought of that before.” This guy was talking about conflict language, ( I know, new right?) and how important it is to understand someone's approach to conflict before getting involved. And it made me realise that's something I'd never really considered.

I mean, we all love a “chill person”, but what happens when the chill melts away?

I'm just a chill girl!😚💕

Who are you when the masks come off, and how do you handle conflict? Let's explore.

Will I feel safe even in conflict with you? Are you a type of person that will sit me down to talk about our grievances, break them down to figure out where we both went wrong, or…

• Are you the rude type?

There's no excuse for rudeness during a disagreement. While I understand reacting to someone else's negativity, responding in kind doesn't solve anything. Learn to communicate respectfully; addressing issues with rudeness is unproductive. If someone approaches me disrespectfully, I'll likely shut down and not engage. Because, am I your mate?😂

• Are you a scream - and - yell kind of person?

One thing I'd say, and say again, is that you don't have to shout to get your message across. I detest people shouting at me. I believe people like this should just go and sign up for anger management class. Magana yakare (end of discussion).

• Are you the “vawulence” type?

Na this kind of people I fear pass. Imagine having them as a partner. Ordinary “no baby, I want something else.” they've carried hand, they want to slap you, for disagreeing with them.

As Nhiyha💕 would say, you just raising your hand and the breeze touch me, that's the end.

Pls, whatever you do, don't go for a thug, especially the Nigerian variety. Unless, of course you are equally as crazy. Then, I expect to see you both on tiktok, dancing to “Is Somebody Gonna Match My Freak”, not on the news as a murder victim.

On a more serious note, think twice before getting involved with a thug. They say, old habits die hard and relationships are volatile, and those involving violent individuals are particularly high risk. Make sure you are aware of the potential danger and can protect yourself. A happy relationship shouldn't be a matter of life and death, let alone lead to headlines. Let's not be blinded by love, abeg!

• Are you an avoidant person?

According to search engines, an avoidant person is someone who avoids difficult emotions. Such a person during conflict may physically remove themselves from the situation - leaving the room, ending a phone call or simply becoming unresponsive. Even if they are physically present, they might become unresponsive or dismissive. And these behaviours are often coping mechanisms to avoid uncomfortable emotions.

Avoidance during conflict doesn't necessarily mean they don't care, it just reflects their difficulty with processing and expressing emotions.

With such a person, you can help the person through open communication, when they are receptive, and they need patience and understanding.

• The defensive type

They feel the need to protect themselves, often at the expense of understanding or resolving the issue. Their response is focused on minimizing their own fault and maximizing their perceived victimhood.

They result to rejecting and deflecting blame. They respond to criticism with counter accusation, turning the conflict onto the other person. It is in those cases that you hear replies like, “you always-”, or “you never-”, just to invalidate or downplay the other person's perspective.

If you don't address an issue the moment it arises, don't come back later to use as ammunition, especially if the issue was not communicated. Now, you are using the unaddressed concern as justification in a different scenario? That's not valid. I can't be held accountable for something I didn't know bothered you.

As a defensive person, you can focus more on expressing your feelings without blaming, and acknowledging the other person's feelings even if you disagree with their perspective.

And I believe that to know your conflict language, you need to be self aware. Do you acknowledge your feelings, with their intensity and their triggers? Are you aware of how your actions and habits impact yourself and others?

If you've dug deep on that, you can respond to the poll.

I couldn't add an “all of the above” or “depends on the energy or person” option to the poll. But I know I fall under the latter tho.🤭

I'm sure we've encountered some people under the category of what I've written or we even fall under a category ourselves. I know conflict is a very hard thing to navigate, and it equally depends on the other person involved, but let's just endeavour to do everything with a clear and calm mind.

May we not end up on the news as murder victims or murder suspects (seems like a weird prayer, but it's true!😪)

And I know this one will be hitting your inbox at an odd hour, but I had to edit a lot of things because it has been collecting dust in my drafts, and my other personality didn't like what I had there before.

Well, toodles!🤍

Your anonymous bestie

Ree🤍